Dear ____ ,
How I wish we could sit down and have a long sorting-out talk. Your anguish comes through loud and clear. Although it does not feel like it, it really is a part of the answer to your heart's cry...one that has been for many years, I suspect. There is NOTHING in the scenario that you have described to me that is apart from Him. Take refuge and rest in the fact that God is fully about the further revelation of Himself...to...in...as...you.
It is Jacob's wrestling all night with the angel and being fully overtaken...Job's loss of all to see with a single eye, God only...Moses at the burning bush aflame with God, yet not consumed...Abraham becoming a faith man after his self-effort failed to produce God's promise. None of these felt any different than you...pressure, fatigue, unrest, failure....before glory.
Nothing can separate you from the love (Life) of God which is in Christ Jesus...but it takes a MIGHTY work of the Spirit for us to know that ONENESS. Your spiritual needs cannot be met in going to church more, reading your bible more, praying more or any "more" you can think of. They can only be met by losing YOUR life to find it.
It is the leap of faith that Galatians 2:20 causes when we are really desperate. "I am crucified with Christ...nevertheless I live...yet not I...but Christ lives IN ME..." Jesus Christ loving your family...Jesus Christ doing your job...Jesus Christ having a beer with the guys...Jesus Christ being frustrated in traffic...
Looks like you , but it is really Jesus Christ living through YOU doing the every day mundane things and everyday great things, sharing His life and His love to everyone with whom you come into contact...YOU being the "sweet savor of Christ" wherever you are. This oneness is what Jesus prayed to His Father for before He went to the cross. It is the glory (Col. 1:27) of His body death...His blood given for our sins, but His body given for our living this life. At Pentecost He returned to fully live in His creation by the power of his Holy Spirit.
God LOVES inability! In all of the great men of the bible it was FINALLY through their inability to perform that led them to the "REAL" of God. You are on that same road. I have no doubt...haven't had since the first time we met. I'm with you all the way.