. . . things on that list were a depiction of my "suffering" life . . .
You have no life apart from Him . . . You are dead, risen, and ascended and do, now, sit in the heavenliest at the right hand of the Father; viewing 'your' so-called life from a new vantage point . . . Are you confusing soul and spirit . . . are you walking in your soul as if it is separate from Him . . .
As I understand it, we that are joined to the Lord are ONE Spirit . . . your soul and body are the unique _________ expression of Christ! Christ is YOU and if you are down, it is He being down to bare about in your body His own dying and rising as you for someone else; namely your wife and son . . . at the moment. Our (his) eyes are always searching for the next person, place or thing to worry about because He continually sees need and He exists for no other reason that to fill it up, using us to the end . . . to do that!
I get so sick and tired sometime I think I'll just faint and fall in it . . . but then I know it is HE being sick and tired just as the rest of the world IS! We must be in total identity with our world . . . not sitting transfigured as if we have evolved into the perfect man . . . which is what Jesus experienced at the Mount of Transfiguration.
NO! NO! NO! . . . they immediately wanted to build temples and stay there but Jesus said, "NO; this is not it! What I am about to do is IT" . . . and He went down the mountain to a waiting cross . . . .
I know you already know all this; but YOUR SCHOOL DAYS ARE OVER; you ARE HE in your form and He is using you up to the bitter end.
If you get caught looking the wrong direction that is His business...It is up to him to keep you . . . You will; NEVER KNOW HOW TO DO THAT PROPERLY ; end of story . . . .
I think you may still be looking for some bit of self improvement because you bemoan the fact that you are weak . . . Right; that's all we are . . . and that's exactly where His strength is made perfect.
Love you lots,