I don't know how many of these I have started over the years to you and end up as drafts. Some wonderful things have been happening to me of late and you are a part of that. When we were last together you made a comment about a picture of my wife and myself as capturing our real relationship vs. my comment about it seeming to be the opposite. It got me thinking about my "seeing" problem and flipped some sort of switch in my heart. No major revelation or bright lights turned on, but I tell you, that little tiny, lone, l.e.d. bulb, was like a star in the night sky.
I finished "Hearts Set Free" and somehow got linked to reading Tolstoy's "What I Believe" followed by starting his "The Kingdom of God is Within". Somewhere the connection between Tolstoy and Gandhi was made, and I ended up reading Tolstoy's "Letters to a Hindu" and then Gandhi's and Tolstoy's letters back and forth. Tolstoy challenged my thinking about what is "Orthodox" and I began to see how what is Othodox for one is Heresy for another, with the powers of each hierarchy thinking that they are right and the other is wrong.
All of this somehow played part in my deciding that my foray into the Catholic Church was over. It was like I needed a good dose of how structure can intentionally or not dominate The Spirit who alone can set us free. That's another story for another time.
What ended up happening is that I eventually came to read a book that I thought was completely whacko at first, and yet, this person's life and testimony, resulted in my at least reading it with more of an open mind. He was brilliant on many levels and made reference to another book as the one that should be read. So I got that one.
Reading that book, another switch was turned on. My personal and professional search has always involved answering the question, "Who Am I?". The answer has been so obvious that it has eluded me. I've heard it, known it, experienced it, lost it, searched for it, doubted it, tasted it, and forgotten it. It's my having ears but not fully understanding , and eyes but not perceiving. It is simply, "We are made out of Love and ARE Love." Christ as Us. Love as Us.
That is our true identity. Child of God--heard it, believed it (?), taught it, but didn't know how to live it. That is where my identification with my humanity got in the way. I know that you and so many others know all of this beyond my knowing and experiencing it, whether it is being "fixed in it" or simply progressing in belief and faith until the reality is revealed.
For me that day, something just clicked. It wasn't that I needed more of anything to assure me of my identity. I already was, have always been, and can be nothing but Who He has made me to be, just as I am, in all my expressions, mistakes, wavering, faults, uncertainties, and desires. He is Love expressed as me as only He can be, uniquely in me.
The idea of all of creation being made out of the same substance, (Norman's One Person in the Universe) yet each uniquely different, made sense to me. We are all made out of the same string, but each of us plays or sings a unique variety of notes, tones, and range of dynamics, like no other person can express. There are no two alike ever in all of creation for all of time and beyond. When we are together, the two of us, it is a unique duet, a composition that is alive by the Spirit, ever changing but ever the same. I can only sing that with you. There are trio's and choruses, symphonies and bands, playing all of the time with unheard of beautiful melodies that take and make the most of every dissonance and harmony produced. That is none other than His LOVE being made known to us and through us.
There is no need for getting more, becoming more, improving or perfecting when we see that we already are the All in All, not because of or by us in any way, but because of Him. And This is The Holy Spirit already manifest in everything that has been created.
One yogi stated, "My mind tells me I am nothing, but My Heart tells me that I am Everything!"
Norman's "muddy trickle" has become River's of Life in my own experience. Waterfalls, cascading down from the highest mountains melting snow, splashing and sparkling, powerful and yet landing in gentle droplets, or rising in cool mists. There is nothing that can resist Love and no thing, situation or person that can not be loved. There is no shortage of supply, for all is His.
This has transformed my last several weeks as every knee jerk reaction towards myself or others gets challenged with a Love perspective and potential response. What is there not to love? I'm loving the pancreatic cancer in a friend. I'm loving differences in people. I even loved a yellow jacket that landed on some sweet roll vs waving it off. I felt sort of silly telling it to enjoy it as much as it wanted as I planned on doing the same. But I sat there and ate all around it until it was full and flew off.
(Now the disclaimer for all of this may be that my antidepressant kicked in enabling me to see and experience all of this, so I'm loving my Prozac.)
My wife has been my control group. She has noticed a change in my mood and demeanor and I credited both the Prozac seeing some old spiritual truths. She ventured to ask me about what I was seeing/believing and it made it past her orthodoxy check. After nearly 9-10 years of being at seemingly spiritual odds, I think we are on the verge of breaking through the tissue paper thin barrier that has kept us feeling so separated. Love is leaking everywhere! Thank God for my faulty plumbing!
I've rambled on enough. Hope to see you the next time we are in Louisville.
Love YOU X0X0X0
B —