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Not Bothered Anymore
by Norman Grubb

. . . How so I cross that hump of knowing Christ IS me? Probably all of us here can say “Christ for me”. Maybe quite a few of us can say “Christ is in me”. How many of us say “Christ IS me?” That’s the hump. Unity is the secret. Union, unity is the secret. When you know the unity, you don’t bother about the human self. You see, Jesus said some contradictory statements. He would say, “I and my father are one.” You know. “I and my father are one.” Then he’d say, you know, the famous occasion in the supper table, “Oh, don’t look there. If you’ve seen me you’ve seen the Father.” That’s strong language. He said that. Jesus said that at the supper table. “If you’ve seen me you’ve seen the Father.” How? Because I’m so much He that He says, “When I speak words (this is in John 14) the words I speak unto you, I speak them not of myself, but the Father dwelleth in me.” That was it. “The Father dwells” is a permanent residence. “He doeth the works.” The curious thing is when you get there, there remains a certain amount of dualism -- two. Of course, you’re going to be stretched. When you only see God in you, you see God in everything. That’s the purpose of the stretch. That’s the total stretch.

The truth I’m getting at is this. When you know the union, you can also see there’s a certain sense in which self comes out of you as if it is separate. It isn’t really separate. That doesn’t bother you when you know the union. So, until you know the unity you can’t talk from the reality of the union. You can talk about it, but you can’t know it. It’s only when you know, “I’m not I, but Christ”, that you know the union. Then you’re free and you can say, “Well, I do turn up.” That’s the adventure; this temptation makes “me” turn up. I know myself in my true Selfhood when I “turn up” through temptation. For instance, at Gethsemane Jesus said, “Oh, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me.” That’s a separate Jesus. And then he says, “Not as I will, but Thou will.” Two wills. He’d just said there’s only One, and now suddenly says there’s two. That’s a paradox. Now, it doesn’t bother you when you know the union. If you don’t know it, it does bother you. And that’s why, until you know the union, you’re bothered by yourself and your weaknesses and your failures and your troubles and you’re self-bothered. Because you don’t know the union. When you know the union it doesn’t bother you about yourself. But it will turn up every now and then.

So, I can only say that you can’t really understand the freedom in which you’re back as a self, a free self, until you know the union, because until you know that, while you’ve got separation, you’re afraid of yourself and you doubt yourself and you question yourself. You worry, “What about this, and what about that, what about my failures and so on?” And you’re failure-minded rather than success-minded. When it’s settled into me as the permanent fact, “I’m not I but Christ,” I’m not running myself. I’m not running it. It’s His show now. If I’m a mess, I’m His mess. Ok, off I go, enjoy life. I’m perfectly free! Because I know I’m not I. So I always say I live like with a great big wink! I’m myself, but I’m HE!

Well, the curious thing is that you come back as yourself. This is the secret. You become a totally free person as if it’s just you. It IS you. That’s why I always said to you that there’s never a bigger egotist on earth than Jesus Christ. No one ever said a bigger “I” than He did. I am the way, I am the door, I am the life, I am the good shepherd, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. That looks like egotist, until you look inside him. “Oh, no, it isn’t I. It’s my Father in me. I only do what I see the Father do. I only say what the Father says. It’s the Father in me. It looks like me.” So you’ve got the curious paradox which the world always mistakes, and your fellow Christians mistake. They’ll say you’re full of pride. Or full of self.

You’re meant to be full of self. You’ll get back to be a total egotist. With a wink in it. Because you know it isn’t you, it’s He. But you are you. So you get the paradox. Now comes the self as an asset.