I got your website from hearing your conversation with Paul Walsh on the grace project. Linda, about 9 months ago I started praying that God would give me a spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him and the hope of His calling (obviously I took the words right out of the apostle Paulís mouth) Shortly after I first started praying this I ran across the grace project. I started hearing, Christ in you your hope of glory. I live but yet not I, Christ lives in me. The life I live in the flesh, I live by the faith OF Christ. (It was new to hear it as the faith Of Christ, instead of my faith In Christ). And the secret that's been hidden for ages and that secret is Christ in me.
I know Iíve read over these verses many times in the past, but now they've come to the surface and can't be ignored. For most if not all my Christian life I've felt like I've never really fit in anywhere. I certainly didn't feel connected to this world, but didn't feel connected to any particular church setting either. I remember going to hear Malcolm Smith talk and loving every word that came out of his mouth. But I've always felt like something was missing. I use to question my salvation all the time because I had doubts and I didn't seem to be acting like the rest of the Christians around me. I remember talking to God and saying, Lord I don't even know how to worship you sincerely, not like these others. i figured God must be losing His patience with me.
I remember being at one particular church and the sermon was on the different levels of faith. And of course the lowest level of faith according to the pastor, I could associate with. He told the story of the man who brought his son to Jesus to heal. And the men said, I believe, help me with my doubting. Also some verses that have really stood out lately is Jesus talking about the vine and branches and were called to abide and bear fruit, not to try and produce. I've understood for quite awhile, the only thing of any value is what He does in and thru us. But also on that note he says delight yourself in me and I will give you the desires of your heart.
Almost from day one, when I first believed (the Lord made Himself very present to me) it's not that I know about Him, it's that I know Him. And that happened in an instant 14 years ago. I hope I'm making sense, but I feel that i am. Any ways back to God giving us the desires of heart. My hearts desire has always been not only to Know the Love of God that surpasses all understanding and how secure we are in Him and that He will never ever leave us or forsake us and have a very intimate relationship with Him but also to tell others of this. Now although I knew this was a desire of my heart, I didn't know that God was the one who put that desire there to begin with. Not only that but God said to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is I who is at work in you, both to Will and to Do according to My Good Pleasure. So it's His Desire and His Work and His Good Pleasure. And when I think of these things I get so excited. He wants this for me.
Linda, it's like I keep getting these brief glimpses. I guess I'm writing to you I want to understand more, I need so much more. If the Lord puts anything on your heart to pray or to say. I'm not going to any church right now, I felt I had to get away to breathe and think through some things. I need Him, I need the Holy Spirit to come in and turn on some lights. If you can recommend anything to me, or if you know of someone in my area i would be interested.
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.